Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
