i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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