Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
