just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize