My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
