first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We have so much sex to catch up on
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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