tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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