Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
