From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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