Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
