it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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