why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
