Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
