so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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