The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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