I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize