I CAN MOONWALK!
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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