DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
