On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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