Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
