i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
