I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
