My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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