I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
