Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I cut my penus on the lid.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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