I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
