Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
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