I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
