the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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