I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
