We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
