I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize