he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
