I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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