I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
