This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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