Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
