You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
