I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
