I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
