My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
