how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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