i need an iv and a liver transplant
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
