I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
