Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
