You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
