i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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