Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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