Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
