you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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