God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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