when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
