haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
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