Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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