I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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