His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
