I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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