dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
