Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
