3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
