the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
