I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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