Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
