I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
