Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
