I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
