whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
