Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
